Tuesday, December 3, 2013

4 Years- Evie

4 years... It seems like a minute ago I was writing her 3rd year post. 

I realized something about grief this week. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, if you lose someone dear to you, the hurt can come back in an instant and hit you like a freight truck. The pain isn't as raw... it softens over time. But it is still so very powerful.

A song, or driving by a certain street, or just a memory will flood back out of nowhere... And I am right there again, looking down at her...trying to memorize every crease of her teeny fingers and toes, and the curve of her little nose and chin. Knowing one day is all we have to take in every detail.

I am still taken aback sometimes by how much I miss her. Getting to watch Hudson go through all his adorable baby "firsts" now. It reminds me of her... There is such a noticeable gap between Reese and Hudson and every now and then I think, that's where Evie would be.  When I look in the rear view mirror and see the boys goofing off in the back, I sometimes get a flash of that 4 year old little girl right there in the middle, adding to the chaos. 

And my breath hitches and that rock lands right in the pit of my stomach and the tears prick the edge of my eyes and I have to push it away because it is all just too much to think about.

I guess that will never really go away, will it? It will be the same when they become teenagers. There will always be those dates that pop up... She would be 13, 16... Graduating high school... College...  picking out a wedding dress...


We finally got her head and foot stones put into place. We have had them for awhile, just hadn't put them down yet. My Gramp had these 2 stones that are a beautiful pink granite- just perfect. I love that they are natural stones not shaped by machines.

We spent part of our Thanksgiving at the cemetery putting them down... and though many might find that sad, there really isn't anywhere else I'd rather have been. See when life gets messy... anger, chaos, and frustration... you visit a grave site of a loved one, and it clears all the muck away. It is quiet and pure- there are no dramatics and obnoxious words and silliness. Everyone is there for the same purpose.

There is only love there and a deep, quiet pain. It fills your soul with grief that only God can soothe... and the leaves are falling slowly and the slight breeze is like a gentle swaying song. God's spirit and grace is never so clear and strong and tangible as when I am standing there. I need it like I need air to breathe. I make so many mistakes and waste so much time on nonsense... but right there I know exactly who I am and why I am here. To love Him, to love her, to love you. 

So simple yet we make it so much more complicated than it needs to be... 

Thank you Evie, you are my heart- the very best part of me. You taught me how to let go and forgive. You woke me up and gave me a second chance to live life to the fullest. You brought me closer to Jesus, to my family, to Love. I will never, ever stop missing you, loving you, and being thankful for every second of our time together. Can't wait to see you again, sweet girl. Always, Mama.


 13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.