Tuesday, December 3, 2013

4 Years- Evie

4 years... It seems like a minute ago I was writing her 3rd year post. 

I realized something about grief this week. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, if you lose someone dear to you, the hurt can come back in an instant and hit you like a freight truck. The pain isn't as raw... it softens over time. But it is still so very powerful.

A song, or driving by a certain street, or just a memory will flood back out of nowhere... And I am right there again, looking down at her...trying to memorize every crease of her teeny fingers and toes, and the curve of her little nose and chin. Knowing one day is all we have to take in every detail.

I am still taken aback sometimes by how much I miss her. Getting to watch Hudson go through all his adorable baby "firsts" now. It reminds me of her... There is such a noticeable gap between Reese and Hudson and every now and then I think, that's where Evie would be.  When I look in the rear view mirror and see the boys goofing off in the back, I sometimes get a flash of that 4 year old little girl right there in the middle, adding to the chaos. 

And my breath hitches and that rock lands right in the pit of my stomach and the tears prick the edge of my eyes and I have to push it away because it is all just too much to think about.

I guess that will never really go away, will it? It will be the same when they become teenagers. There will always be those dates that pop up... She would be 13, 16... Graduating high school... College...  picking out a wedding dress...


Sigh.







We finally got her head and foot stones put into place. We have had them for awhile, just hadn't put them down yet. My Gramp had these 2 stones that are a beautiful pink granite- just perfect. I love that they are natural stones not shaped by machines.





We spent part of our Thanksgiving at the cemetery putting them down... and though many might find that sad, there really isn't anywhere else I'd rather have been. See when life gets messy... anger, chaos, and frustration... you visit a grave site of a loved one, and it clears all the muck away. It is quiet and pure- there are no dramatics and obnoxious words and silliness. Everyone is there for the same purpose.
 




There is only love there and a deep, quiet pain. It fills your soul with grief that only God can soothe... and the leaves are falling slowly and the slight breeze is like a gentle swaying song. God's spirit and grace is never so clear and strong and tangible as when I am standing there. I need it like I need air to breathe. I make so many mistakes and waste so much time on nonsense... but right there I know exactly who I am and why I am here. To love Him, to love her, to love you. 

So simple yet we make it so much more complicated than it needs to be... 

 
Thank you Evie, you are my heart- the very best part of me. You taught me how to let go and forgive. You woke me up and gave me a second chance to live life to the fullest. You brought me closer to Jesus, to my family, to Love. I will never, ever stop missing you, loving you, and being thankful for every second of our time together. Can't wait to see you again, sweet girl. Always, Mama.




  




PSALM 139
 13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.





Thursday, November 21, 2013

Dear Blog, I'm Still Alive.



Dear Little Blog of Mine, 

I am so so sorry for neglecting you this past year. 

I look back on my last post  with such shame (February, really??). Yes, I talked a big game about writing more, adding more posts about the business and the boys growing up. Lots of talk about giving you a makeover, and trying to make up for years of neglect... I got your hopes up for this brand new life, full of words and pictures and scheduled posts, and sadly, I disappointed you once again. 

So much has changed my sweet friend...   I'm a blonde now, did you even know?   And I finally lost the baby weight.  Where were you to document my progress with "before" and "after" pics and measurement updates?


And what about these awesome little guys?? Do you miss them?






They are getting so big and and their wild antics and 
conversations just keep getting better and better.





Hubba Bubba turned ONE in August, and bless his heart, he didn't even get a blog letter from Mama.

This on again, off again relationship is so dysfunctional- will we ever get it together? I’ve already told you so much: my hopes, dreams, struggles and failures. I know you have endless amounts of blog drafts stored away, never getting to feel the sweet release of that "publish" button.  I’ve burdened you with these thoughts and feelings but never allowed you to share them with the world which, after all, is the very purpose for your existence. 


I hope we can just start over, there are so many exciting things on the horizon that I’m just dying to share with you. I know you want to hear all about them!


Please give me a second chance my dear, I promise, once a week postings- I’ll do better this time! 

Sincerely,

Your long lost confidante ~ Lily



 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Blog Changes...



So this year one of my goals is to streamline all things Sailor Studio to make it more manageable.


I know in this day and age, online marketing is huge and with all the buzillion media outlets it is kinda difficult to keep up with personal accounts as well as business accounts… so I am working on merging everything so I just have to keep up with one.






I started a SailorStudio blog a long time ago, but only actually posted a few times, and I made twitter account and a few other accounts that I have never done anything with.  (I know twitter is like “the thing” but I just cannot get into it. Maybe I need a better twitter app or something…)


I went back and forth about keeping a separate blog, but I know I can’t do both. Plus, I really enjoy seeing a more personal side of people that I buy from online. It makes the purchase a little more special and makes you feel like you “know” who you are supporting.  This will still be my personal life blog, but since Sailor Studio is such a big part of my life, I figure I can write about that here too. 





I also changed my instagram username to @alilsailor so I can just keep up with one account there too. 

So anyway, I am working on making this blog work for business and personal, so I apologize for it looking kind of wacky while I get it organized... 

Hopefully I’ll get things looking decent over the next week or so. 

Thanks for bearing with me while I switch things up! 

(And if you are interested, I am giving away 2 gift certificates to my Etsy store over on my facebook page- winners announced at 9 tonight! Go here to enter:Sailor Studio)


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A Lil Story: That's what they said...

 
Just a few 2012 moments I don't want to forget...



* The twins turned 7!! how is that even possible??  
crazy time justa flyin by...



 * Huddy went to the beach for the first time... not so much a fan.


 I think it was a little too windy for him.





awwwwe, baby yawn:

 

And a few silly conversations I need to write 
down before I forget:



Reese (when Hudson's umbilical cord fell off):

"Mom!! Hudson lost his power cord! How is he going to get his power now??"

________________________________________________
























Conversation at dinner:

Dad: "Ty, can you please sit up and eat your dinner like a normal human being."

Reese: "Yeah. You call them humans if they're grown-ups and human beans if they're kids, right Dad?"

____________________________________________________

In the car:
(I had just hung up the phone with someone asking for Goose's number. I told them I would look it up in my phone and send it to them because I didn't know it by heart)

Nolan: "Ummm Mom? Isn't it illegal not to know your husband's phone number?"

No honey... If it was, your mama would be goin to jail.

 __________________________________________________


 


 In the car: (Ty and Nolan playing "true or false")

Nolan: "True or false Ty, 2 + 2 equals 5?"

Ty: "False! True or false Nolan... What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"

Nolan: laughing hysterically... "uuuummm, false!" 

Ty: "Wrong, it really does make you stronger, right mom?"
(i think they have heard that kelly clarkson song a few too many times...)
___________________________________________________

 





















Nolan, after Ty got a haircut last night:

"Hey Ty, nice haircut." 

Ty: "thanks."

Nolan (giggling):  "hey mom, I didn't mean it, I was just using star-casm..."

Mom: "What's star-casm?"

Nolan: "you know, it's like when you say something, but you really mean the opposite."

Mom: "ooooh, you mean sarcasm."

Goose comes in:

Nolan: "Hey Dad, nice beard!"



 Quite the comedian that one... 

Love.




Friday, January 11, 2013

An Epic Year: Part 2: Do what you love



So when I wrote the last post, it ended up 
being like a million words long, so I decided to break it up
(that's what happens when you don't blog for a thousand years).

But anyway, more thoughts on age... I am 28... and other than baby fatness a few superficial things, I am excited about this time. If you ask those who know me best, they will tell you that there is a certain spirit of contentment in my life that I have never had before. 

When Sailor Studio started 2 1/2 years ago, we were just thrown into it. Everything was just fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, let's do this type of operations.

My mom had a deadline to get the business application in and we barely made it. But helping her was the best move ever because I didn't have time to think. I just did. There was no time to analyze everything to death before doing it. And jumping in head first opened up a possibility for me that I never took seriously before.

Art.

It was like unlocking a huge piece of the puzzle...  In all my searching and wondering and analyzing "what should I do with my life?" I never focused on what was right there all along. My mom, my grandparents...Creatives are the "norm" in my family and that made me want to explore possibilities that were different. It's like the kid who grows up in a family of doctors and dreams of being an actor or a writer... except the exact opposite.


But I was just prolonging the inevitable.


                                                                                                                                Source: Uploaded by user via Lily Dawn on Pinterest



Sure I wasn't terrible at the other things I tried, but they didn't feel right. Like when I started working at a school. First of all, I am not scheduled or organized and that is two qualities a teacher needs to have. But the biggest reason it didn't fit is because being a teacher, you are constantly engaged in social interaction... with students, other teachers, parents... and fostering those relationships is not something that everyone is good at.

I realized that too much social stimulation gives me serious anxiety. 

I love the craft shows during the year when I get to chat with customers and other artists. I really do enjoy it. But if I had to do that everyday, it would be too much.


I love the quiet of the studio, the days of getting lost in design and turning a piece of nothing into something. I am meant to work with my hands, not my voice. That is where I thrive and feel most content.





I thought about having some kind of business before, but always thought I would have to have all the pieces in place, like having some huge amount of money to invest in it which was impossible for us. But I finely woke up to the fact that small businesses actually start small... tiny in fact. Usually one person who just has a simple talent- maybe it's cooking, or graphic design, or sewing, or taking pictures... and you just start doing it. You make gifts for friends and family... you offer to help out at an event... and it slowly evolves into something more. Now, especially with facebook and all the free resources, you can have a business up and running online within a couple hours.


But the biggest step that most people miss is 
going from:  I would love to do this, to, this is what I do


And obviously most people can't stop everything and start a business or change careers, but you really don't have to. 
Start small, on the weekends or after the kids go to bed. 
If you need more education there are a million schools offering online and weekend classes. My husband finished his 
bachelors and MBA while working full time and with 
kids and now has a great job because of 
that investment.  

But more than just being a good job, 
it it what he loves to do and he is great at it.

If you really want something you can. find. a. way. And it does take time. You will lose sleep... you will spend time away from your family sometimes... Anything worth having takes sacrifice and dedication.


                                                                                                                                       Source: thefabweb.com via Lily Dawn on Pinterest


And of course nothing is guaranteed. I know that
 if David lost his job or something and Sailor Studio isn't enough, I would work again doing whatever I could to support my family. I have been a full-time working mom while he stayed home with the kids and worked on weekends... I have went to school full-time and worked part-time. I know that whatever comes our way we will do what we need to do.


And I am not sure if I will always have Sailor Studio... but I finally know what I am good at and what I am capable of. I know that the drive is there. The talent and the motivation is there.


The possibilities are endless if you stop making 
excuses for all the reasons you can't. 


And today I am grateful for that revelation. God gives us all talents and purpose and along with being a wife and mom, I finally feel like I am on the right path...


That is an amazing feeling.



                                                                                                              Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Lily Dawn on Pinterest
 



But enough about me... I have an epic post coming about the 4 little men in my life. They have been up to all sorts of no good- and this little guy could. not. be. any. cuter!!