Friday, February 10, 2012

The day I yelled at God.

So I have been meaning to write this post for awhile... but it was a little emotional ;) It is kinda long, but I want to remember the details, as this is the first chapter of this new little Bilsland's life.

The week after Christmas, we went to St. George Island. It was so nice to be able to get away and relax after the holiday insanity. It was also exciting for me because I knew I was going to be taking a pregnancy test and could find out if we were expecting a new addition. 

I wasn't feeling any different or anything so I wasn't sure what to expect, but halfway through the week, I took a test. There was a extremely faint 2nd line... I was like- yep, preggers!  Of course I took a couple more over the next few days and the line got darker and darker and I was exxxxxcited ;)

I told Goose as we were crossing over the bridge on the way to Appalachiacola... as I was taking these pics of clouds??

He just shook his head and laughed... :)

So we had a great week and came home New Year's Day. I wasn't feeling any pregnancy symptoms yet, and that night we were just relaxing on the couch. 

And that's when things changed.

I got up to use the bathroom and found that I was bleeding. In case you are unfamiliar with pregnancy, bleeding is not a good sign. It can be totally harmless, but about 50% of women who bleed in the first trimester end up miscarrying.

Obviously with losing Evie and my sister going through a miscarriage last year, it was really hard not to imagine the worst was happening. I have never bled with any of my other pregnancies... 

I just froze and wanted to scream and throw-up at the same time.

I went out and told Goose and he said, "okay, don't start freaking out" (always the calm and collected one) and I just start pacing and thinking what do I do, what do I do? This makes my husband immediately get up and hug me and say, "Listen, don't start thinking anything, we don't know anything yet... It will be okay and we will handle whatever it is."

and then all I could think about was our 20 week ultrasound with Evie, after finding out about all her issues... we were in the parking lot and he hugged me then, saying "whatever happens, we'll get through it."

And I thought ... not again.

So I told him I was going to take a shower.

And that is where me and God had words. 

I won't go into every detail of our conversation, but I was angry and frustrated and wanted an answer onto why exactly this was happening??

I was hurt. It took me a long time to get to the point of feeling "ready" for another pregnancy... I was excited and it had only been a week and now I was afraid I was losing another one. I am pretty sure I threw in the question, "Are you serious, Jesus??!!" (not my finest moment) 

And then I balled my eyes out.

I cried for Evie and I cried for my sister and I cried for all the women who have confided in me over the past two years who have went through the heartbreak of infertility and miscarriages and late term losses.

I sobbed because so many empty arms are still aching... 

and it's just not fair.

It's never fair.

And then I prayed. 

 See that is one thing I love about my Savior... I don't have to hide and pretend like everything is okay. It is okay to be angry... it is okay to scream and tell Him how you feel because He already knows... and He loves you anyway. 

It took me a long time (and a great pastor) to really accept that. We aren't going to hurt God's feelings. Jesus came as a man so He understands the human heart, and He accepts us even with all our hurt and baggage.  I have never felt more loved by Him than I did in the moments after. Just like my husband, He wrapped His arms around me and said, "You will be okay."

and I was humbled.

Now I still wasn't sure what was going on with the baby, but the panic and loneliness I had felt moments earlier was gone. 

I stopped bleeding after about an hour and I called the doctor. She told me she couldn't tell me anything definitive, but if the bleeding starts back heavier or if I start cramping to go to the emergency room. If not, make an appointment for my Ob/Gyn asap.

On Tuesday, I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound.

She said my cervix was closed so it didn't look like I was miscarrying. Once she started looking around- she found the baby's sac (I was only a few weeks so there wasn't much to see yet). She said I was measuring on track. 

Then, she said, "okay, but now see this:" and she pointed at this big round area on the screen.
"This looks like a cyst and it is extremely large."

Huh??? I know cysts are common, but I have never personally had cyst issues.

After another ultrasound the next day, they told me that the cyst was about the size of a grapefruit (which was why I could feel it with my hand and was already looking about 3 months preggo) and they weren't sure why it was so big, but if it stays this size or keeps growing I would have to have surgery at 12 weeks to have it removed. 

Knowing I will have a c-section already and the risk to the baby, I was not too excited at the thought of having surgery at 12 weeks pregnant... and also trying to recover and care for 3 little boys at home.

So I asked my pastor and his wife to join me in praying for the cyst to shrink... and the baby to be healthy and growing right on schedule. 

They made another ultrasound to check the cyst and pregnancy. 12 days after they measured the cyst the first time, I went back and the cyst had shrunk down to about the size of an olive.

From a grapefruit to an olive! Thank you Jesus!! 

My doctor was excited too. They went through the whole experience with us and Evie, and they were so great through it all. She told me that we shouldn't have anymore issues with the cyst and the baby is growing right on track.... 

 and I got to hear that beautiful heartbeat for the first time.

And then I praised Jesus, and I will continue to thank Him for this precious little life every. single. day.


 4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
   he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
   their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
   he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
   and he delivers them. 

Psalm 34: 4-7