Friday, February 24, 2012

Blech.




My husband asked me today if I was ever going to blog again... which totally weirded me out because I had no idea the guy actually read my blog. 


I'm pretty sure my response was something along the lines of (in extremely whiny tone) But,  I just doooooooon't feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like it... 


and I don't.


I feel like doing this:



pic credit


and this:




24/7. 


Pregnancy is. not. fun. for. me.


But hey, even though I feel horrific, little babe is doing wonderfully and that makes me a very happy miserable person ;)


I am thinking hoping praying that I am nearing the end of the worst part. 


Soon, I'll catch everyone up with some super fun Bilsland boys and pregnancy updates... and maybe even some pics of baby bumpage... 

soon. :)

 



Friday, February 10, 2012

The day I yelled at God.


So I have been meaning to write this post for awhile... but it was a little emotional ;) It is kinda long, but I want to remember the details, as this is the first chapter of this new little Bilsland's life.
_____________________________________




The week after Christmas, we went to St. George Island. It was so nice to be able to get away and relax after the holiday insanity. It was also exciting for me because I knew I was going to be taking a pregnancy test and could find out if we were expecting a new addition. 


I wasn't feeling any different or anything so I wasn't sure what to expect, but halfway through the week, I took a test. There was a extremely faint 2nd line... I was like- yep, preggers!  Of course I took a couple more over the next few days and the line got darker and darker and I was exxxxxcited ;)


I told Goose as we were crossing over the bridge on the way to Appalachiacola... as I was taking these pics of clouds??





He just shook his head and laughed... :)





So we had a great week and came home New Year's Day. I wasn't feeling any pregnancy symptoms yet, and that night we were just relaxing on the couch. 



And that's when things changed.


I got up to use the bathroom and found that I was bleeding. In case you are unfamiliar with pregnancy, bleeding is not a good sign. It can be totally harmless, but about 50% of women who bleed in the first trimester end up miscarrying.

Obviously with losing Evie and my sister going through a miscarriage last year, it was really hard not to imagine the worst was happening. I have never bled with any of my other pregnancies... 

I just froze and wanted to scream and throw-up at the same time.


I went out and told Goose and he said, "okay, don't start freaking out" (always the calm and collected one) and I just start pacing and thinking what do I do, what do I do? This makes my husband immediately get up and hug me and say, "Listen, don't start thinking anything, we don't know anything yet... It will be okay and we will handle whatever it is."


and then all I could think about was our 20 week ultrasound with Evie, after finding out about all her issues... we were in the parking lot and he hugged me then, saying "whatever happens, we'll get through it."


And I thought ... not again.


So I told him I was going to take a shower.


And that is where me and God had words. 


I won't go into every detail of our conversation, but I was angry and frustrated and wanted an answer onto why exactly this was happening??

I was hurt. It took me a long time to get to the point of feeling "ready" for another pregnancy... I was excited and it had only been a week and now I was afraid I was losing another one. I am pretty sure I threw in the question, "Are you serious, Jesus??!!" (not my finest moment) 

And then I balled my eyes out.


I cried for Evie and I cried for my sister and I cried for all the women who have confided in me over the past two years who have went through the heartbreak of infertility and miscarriages and late term losses.


I sobbed because so many empty arms are still aching... 


and it's just not fair.


It's never fair.




And then I prayed. 


 See that is one thing I love about my Savior... I don't have to hide and pretend like everything is okay. It is okay to be angry... it is okay to scream and tell Him how you feel because He already knows... and He loves you anyway. 

It took me a long time (and a great pastor) to really accept that. We aren't going to hurt God's feelings. Jesus came as a man so He understands the human heart, and He accepts us even with all our hurt and baggage.  I have never felt more loved by Him than I did in the moments after. Just like my husband, He wrapped His arms around me and said, "You will be okay."


and I was humbled.


Now I still wasn't sure what was going on with the baby, but the panic and loneliness I had felt moments earlier was gone. 


I stopped bleeding after about an hour and I called the doctor. She told me she couldn't tell me anything definitive, but if the bleeding starts back heavier or if I start cramping to go to the emergency room. If not, make an appointment for my Ob/Gyn asap.


On Tuesday, I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound.


She said my cervix was closed so it didn't look like I was miscarrying. Once she started looking around- she found the baby's sac (I was only a few weeks so there wasn't much to see yet). She said I was measuring on track. 


Then, she said, "okay, but now see this:" and she pointed at this big round area on the screen.
 
"This looks like a cyst and it is extremely large."


Huh??? I know cysts are common, but I have never personally had cyst issues.


After another ultrasound the next day, they told me that the cyst was about the size of a grapefruit (which was why I could feel it with my hand and was already looking about 3 months preggo) and they weren't sure why it was so big, but if it stays this size or keeps growing I would have to have surgery at 12 weeks to have it removed. 


Knowing I will have a c-section already and the risk to the baby, I was not too excited at the thought of having surgery at 12 weeks pregnant... and also trying to recover and care for 3 little boys at home.


So I asked my pastor and his wife to join me in praying for the cyst to shrink... and the baby to be healthy and growing right on schedule. 


They made another ultrasound to check the cyst and pregnancy. 12 days after they measured the cyst the first time, I went back and the cyst had shrunk down to about the size of an olive.


From a grapefruit to an olive! Thank you Jesus!! 


My doctor was excited too. They went through the whole experience with us and Evie, and they were so great through it all. She told me that we shouldn't have anymore issues with the cyst and the baby is growing right on track.... 


 and I got to hear that beautiful heartbeat for the first time.


And then I praised Jesus, and I will continue to thank Him for this precious little life every. single. day.




 --------------------------------------------------

 4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
   he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
   their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
   he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
   and he delivers them. 


Psalm 34: 4-7

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Pinning for you Baby!!



google


 I spent way too much a lot of time on the computer this week due to being quarantined to the house... so I pinned my fair share of awesomeness:


BABY FEVER

I am not a big fan of traditional looking nurseries. I love the colors in this room:


                                                                                Source: google.com via Lily on Pinterest










                                                                                         Source: bellababyphotography.com via Lily on Pinterest



I adore this picture for two reasons:
 1. It is super cute of the daddy 
2. Mama (aka me) will be swollen and gross and the blurred effect will let you know I was there without having to see up close details of me in all my after baby glory :)




And of course, I love pinning cute dresses that make me ooooh and ahhhh (especially since I haven't been out of pjs or worn make-up in a week. I'm telling y'all- the bug was baaaaaaaaaaaad).


                                                                                           Source: us.asos.com via Lily on Pinterest



 
                                                                                    Source: tuulavintage.blogspot.com via Lily on Pinterest



One day...


                                                                                 Source: bookfessions.tumblr.com via Lily on Pinterest



I believe...



                                                                             Source: truelovereallywaits.tumblr.com via Lily on Pinterest


                                                     Happy Pinning!


                                                                                                    Follow Me on Pinterest

Monday, February 6, 2012

MM: Bed Buds and Tummy Bugs


1.Organize
 
Remember this post about my horrible office mess? well we have made a little progress... you can at least see the floor! 


I am almost ready to move the piles of homeschooling stuff occupying our dining room to the office and we may actually get organized before the end of the school year ;)




 2. Sicky Sickness
 
It's been a loooong weekend to say the least. 

Sick, sick, sickness everywhere...  nauseous pregnant woman plus stomach bug plus migraine EQUALS I thought I was going to die Friday night (have you ever had a migraine? the worst). 

Reese and Ty both got the bug Saturday... So, so sad- I hate my boys being miserable.



But thankfully, all is well now... 
we are praying that no one else gets it.




Goosers has been a trooper: taking care of all of us, doing laundry, and keeping the house from becoming one giant germ. 

 Love this guy.


3. Siblings

The boys have been absolutely ridiculous when it comes to bedtime lately... Nolan is all "Mom, I can't sleep by myself... I'm soooo scared." 

Seriously? the kid is a twin... he has never spent a night alone in his entire existence, but apparently the fact that his brother is a whole 4 feet below him on the bottom bunk is
causing separation anxiety.

Anyway, we make them lay down in their own beds at night, but when we check on them later- this is what we find:





All three snuggled up, sleeping on the top bunk. How can this possibly be comfortable??

I don't know how they do it...  

Goose and I are not cuddlers at all- I need my space.


4. Baby Time



I am excited... yes, I feel like total crapola, but I am soooo excited to be pregnant. This pregnancy had a rocky start and after Evie, I am really trying to not take anything for granted. Plus, this will most likely be our last baby so I want to document everything! Baby bump photos, maternity pics, updates, all of it. Can't wait! 
 
I have also been blog-stalking hopping to find other pregnant bloggers... it is always nice to go through the whole pregnancy thing with friends.

And thank you to everyone for the congrats and prayers! Please continue to pray for this pregnancy and this new little life. We appreciate it more than you know.  :)




Miscellany Monday @
lowercase letters

Friday, February 3, 2012

FF: A Big Announcement from 3 Little Boys


You know whenever you see "big announcement,"

 
you have certain expectations.


I mean you expect to read something worthwhile.


Maybe you expect a big life-changing event,


maybe someone got engaged, maybe someone won the lottery!


You expect something exciting, something to make you go yay!!


If you were expecting a wonderful surprise, you


 might be disappointed in an announcement like this:






Well, never one to lower expectations.




Here is what the boys really want you to know:





(Reese is thrilled about losing his place as baby of the family)






Oh, yeah. It's baby time.
 
As in, me:







And although pregnancy is not exactly my favorite thing, my children are, so I am linking up here to celebrate adding another favorite to the family! 



friday favorite things | finding joy