Saturday, December 3, 2011

2 Years- I miss you sweet Evie.

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. 
~George Eliot

I miss her tonight.  

I miss her often, but of course the anniversary will always be a harder day. It is amazing how sometimes your heart starts hurting even before your mind realizes what is wrong. The past few weeks I've been feeling... heavy.

Then, as I drove past the cemetery on the way to work last week and burst into tears, I realized I was feeling the ache again. the hurt. the emptiness. 

This time of year used to be all about Thanksgiving, turkey, gearing up for Christmas... 

Now the week is wrapped up with Evie dates. The Tuesday my family and friends threw me a beautiful baby shower and I watched Evie on the 3D ultrasound. The next Tuesday when I missed my doctor appt. and had to reschedule. The Wednesday I felt like something was wrong and did kick counts all afternoon.. and the Thursday when the doctor told us her heart had stopped beating and she was gone.

David and I were talking on the way home tonight about Evie, and what we went through two years ago... how time stopped suddenly and then fast forwarded, pausing on pointed moments that are like little video snippets that can be replayed in perfect detail in our heads. We talked about these moments and some were the same and some were different between us.  

I remember David's mom coming up and hugging me after we found out about all the complications at our 20 week appointment. She was teary-eyed and said, "we just love her so much." 

I remember explaining Evie's diagnosis to my sisters, and us all praying together on the park bench next to the playground, not caring if people thought we were crazy.

David said he remembers calling his dad to tell him that Evie was gone... listening to your parent's heart break is something you don't easily forget. 

I remember sitting in the hospital room praying with our pastor and my mom and uncle Jay before I went in to have the c-section. My mom was devastated. She is one of the most unemotional women I know, but in that moment she was so heartbroken that she was sobbing, and her whole body was shaking. 

We remember holding Evie in the hospital room as family and friends stopped in... how incredibly hard that visit must have been for each of them... but they came anyway. 

I will never forget my Uncle Greg walking over and kissing sweet Evie's little forehead- such a big, serious guy taking a moment to say hello and good-bye to my daughter. A small gesture, but it meant so much.

Even before she was born, she was loved by so many... and for that I am thankful.

I try to remember: that day it wasn't just us losing a baby... it was our parents losing a granddaughter, our siblings and aunts and uncles losing a niece, cousins losing a cousin... in the darkest moments you realize just how strong those bonds are. 

We have lighthearted and laid-back families, but I know now without a doubt that when it comes to something serious... even something uncomfortable and painful, we are here for each other, to pray, and to care for each other no matter what.

I will never, ever take that precious love for granted again.
Time does heal, but no amount of time makes us forget the definitive moments that are permanently penned into our storyline. These pages can never be erased, and as I go back and reread them I realize that they were part of something so important. Not just losing Evie and the experience itself, but all the lessons I learned through it.

I don't have it all figured out, but I know that over the past few years my views on life have changed so dramatically that I feel like a completely different person. 

My perspective, how I view people and situations, has changed. My faith and thoughts have changed... while I still mess up and still get frustrated... I am much less likely to dwell on things that don't matter- things that were so stressful before don't seem like such a big deal. 

I love more, feel more, and give more. I turn to Him for guidance first, and I know now without a doubt that He will be there every step of the way.

Evie did that for me... 

And I am thankful.