Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Some Lil Thoughts... about Babies.

Linking up for the first time with "pour your heart out" with Shell :)

Just to elaborate a little more on my last post.

If you have been around this blog or me over the last few months, you know that I have had some serious baby fever happening.

Now normally, when I start feeling ready to have a baby again, I barely get the words out and I am pregnant. I am sincerely thankful that we haven't had issues conceiving, but I do not look forward to the 9 months that follow blessed event.

Physically, they are a.w.f.u.l.

I get every. single. horrible. pregnancy symptom you can imagine (plus some you can't); from ALL-DAY nauseau, throwing up, tiredness, skin-issues, swelling, cramps (crazy leg cramps- the worst!), you know... all those super fun things. 

I have never felt like the joyful, jubilant mama-to-be. I usually just feel like a sweaty, sick rolly polly who almost immediately becomes as wide as she is tall. 

I can't church it up... it is just not a great experience for me.

But, I can get past all that... a beautiful addition to the family is worth it.

Still, there is something keeping me from jumping on board the baby bandwagon again.... there are financial things to think about, not to mention we are quickly running out of room at casa de bilsland.

But that is not really what is stopping me.

Honestly, I am nervous.

My pregnancies have been rough physically, but they have also been incredibly emotional and stressful as well. Each one came with ups and downs that I am not so sure if I ready for again.

My first pregnancy came with the shock of twins! I mean, serious shock. We were trying to get used to the idea that we pregnant after only a few months of marriage, but then you add the whole, "oh btw, you are having twins" aspect to it... took a little getting used to. 

After being on bed rest and being hospitalized for high blood pressure, we had the twins the week of Christmas... so, SO thankful that they were healthy and strong. While we were still in the hospital, we found out that my great grandmother had passed ... we weren't able to go to the funeral in Michigan with the rest of the family... and it made the experience somewhat bittersweet.

My pregnancy with Reese was uneventful in itself, but it ran almost completely alongside my granny's battle with cancer. At 67, she passed 2 weeks before Reese was born, and I just remember sobbing and being so mad that she wouldn't be there to meet Reese and love him and be part of his life like she was with the me and the twins.... that was something I remember the most about being in the hospital after we had him. It felt so strange not having Granny there... she was always one of the first visitors and always so excited for a new addition to our (very large) family.

Then, of course there was sweet Evie... I would never, ever take back a moment of my time with Evie, but I can not pretend it wasn't the hardest time of my life. I can't pretend that thinking about the possibility of something like that happening again doesn't make me feel very tired and a little anxious.
I pray about these feelings of uncertainty, and I know with all my heart that God is in control, and that He will take care of us no matter what happens.  

 I know this, and I would love to have another baby someday...

But today, 

I'm not sure if I am ready to start down that beautiful, amazing, completely unpredictable, sometimes rocky, road.


I'm not quite ready for this:


there is always tomorrow :)