Thursday, January 27, 2011

Friday Freakout: Who am I?

“I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” Anaïs Nin

The past few months years have been a major time of reevaluation for me. Reevaluating what is important, what direction I need to take, and of course, things that I need to let go of or things that need to change.

It totally amazes me to be around content people… people who are just living day to day, never feeling like they need to change or improve themselves in any way.

I feel like I need to improve in every area of my life... all the time... it's exhausting... and it is not some “low-self-esteem, feeling worthless," type of thing it is more a “not wanting to waste this life on stagnant living” type of thing.

In case you didn’t know, I am not the most routine person.(Goose is the exact opposite, thankfully… someone has to be the sane one around here) I am sure you can tell from this blog… I go from posting 4 times a week to once a month quite often.

I never do anything the same way twice. I don’t wake up at the same time, I don’t put make-up on the same way, I don’t do the same workout, I don’t read one type of book, I don’t listen to a certain type of music, I have never had a set “style” it’s pretty much whatever I am the mood for that day… I go from looking super put-together and stylish one day to looking like I just rolled out of bed the next. I don’t like one type of décor, I don’t have a favorite meal, I still am not quite sure what degree or career I want…

I have tried to embrace this quality, but it has started bothering me. I sometimes get really confused about who I am…. 

Am I the recluse or the social butterfly? Am I logical and business minded, or am I the flaky artist? Am I the control freak or the ‘go with the flow’ girl?

I feel like 45 different people all rolled into one.

If I am playing psychologist for a minute, I would say this probably stems from the fact that I was the youngest and we moved around so much growing up. I was usually just into whatever my older siblings were into… and moving every year made it kind of hard to establish a real “identity.” I was kind of a chameleon…I moved to Ellijay when I was 16, and I went from listening to nothing but rap and R&B, getting my nails “did,” and wearing hoop earrings the size of bicycle tires... to being a “country girl,” huntin, muddin, and hangin out in the John Deere parkin' lot. (I would be a fantastic spy... learn a few new languages, I could fit in anywhere.)

...I moved back and forth… I hung out with totally different groups of people… I finally met my hubby and settled down…

I feel like I have never figured me out. I feel like if I am going to move in the direction that God wants me to go, I need to be confident in the person He created me to be.

I just have to figure out who that is...  so that is why I named this chapter of my life "Transparency."

Transparent: 3. Obvious and easy to recognize: clearly recognizable as what he, she, or it really is.

I don’t want to be afraid of who I am and what I believe in.

I want everyone I meet, to meet the same me, the real me. Does that even make sense?

I am thinking my quarter-life crisis is lasting a little longer than normal… 

So enough about me... what about you?

Have you ever went through an "identity crisis?"