Thursday, December 2, 2010

Well, it has been a year...

One year since we said good-bye to our sweet little Evie.

I thought about what I would write on this day, but I am not going to try and "church it up."

I am just going to say this...

I miss her. I miss my baby girl.

I miss the snuggles, smells, and smiles.

I miss the first rollover, the first steps, the first words...

I miss every memory I wish I had of her.

My arms physically ache when I think about her and I wish every. single. day. that she was with me.

The last month has been really hard...

The boys personalities are so defined and different, it makes me long to see what hers would have been like.

Sometimes it doesn't even feel real... but then I watch her 3D ultrasound video and look through her "box" and all that "mama" love just floods over me again.

It doesn't go away you know.

It isn't just dispersed onto your other children, and it doesn't just fade away into nothingness.

The love is there, just as strong as the day I found out I was pregnant... just as strong as the days she rolled around in my belly and we gave her a name... just as strong as the day I held her.

I know I don't talk about her often and I don't "act" like a grieving mother- but that is just me, it is my personality... I am not that great at receiving sympathy, but I know those who care about us, and I am thankful for every kind word and prayer.

So, it has been a year... the 3rd day of December will always be hard on us... but I hope we can celebrate Evie's life for the amazing impact she had on us and everyone we knew. 

I can't say that I sailed through the past year... I feel like my heart has been beaten and broken over and over and over again. But, I can say that the only reason I have my sanity is because of God. My faith has been tested and I am lacking in so many ways, but He continues to carry me...

Tomorrow, my Granny's inspirational paintings are going to be displayed in a new gallery opening in Snellville. I have been really missing her too lately... I am thankful that I will get to celebrate her life and work tomorrow along with Evie's.

To those of you who love our family and have prayed for us over the past year and a half:

Thank you. I know we don't say it often, but we love you all very much. =)

Maybe I can share some of the other stuff I have written over the past few months at some point, but right now I just feel overwhelmed. So I will share this song instead- I am sure you have heard it, but I love the lyrics and it has probably been my favorite song of this year.

I love you Evie with all my heart and I will miss you always... 

You were absolutely a beautiful life and you will always be a part of our family. 

~ Mama