Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Okay,.. So life isn't so perfect these days.

I wrote this long drawn out post discussing all the arguments I am having with myself about my recent commitments, but I am not going to post it...


Instead I am going to say this.


I'm tired.


I'm tired of being so overextended that I am not doing one thing in my life well.


I am doing everything half-way.


I am getting As in all my classes right now, but I am failing the rest of my life... just giving about 50% so I can get through the day...school, business, teaching, being a mother, wife, friend, writing, exercising ... I can't remember the last time I cleaned the house or cooked a meal. Not that I was ever great at those things, but at least I had time to attempt them.


Being mediocre at everything in my life is.not.working. for me.

More importantly, I have been a terrible mom. I have neglected my husband and my kids and I am tired of it.


My mind is so over-capacity that lately, I can't even focus long enough to pray...

how sad is that? 

I am starting to realize that maybe God has things that He wants me to do that have nothing to do with having a 4.0 in college.

After years of holding myself to impossible standards, I am tired of feeling like I am not good enough.
 
I am tired of telling myself that if I don't accomplish this, and this, and this in my life that I am a worthless failure.

I thought that I could do it all, but I can't.


I thought that I had something to prove, but I don't.


I'm tired... 

of trying to be something that I'm just

not.






ugh....


I have to make a decision that I don't want to make.

I guess that is what being a grown-up is all about though, huh?