Thursday, June 3, 2010

Honesty.





Home today... just home.

Goose is at work, then band practice tonight, so I have the whole day to myself... can't say that I am all that excited about it.

June 3rd… just had to be a Thursday too didn't it?

Exactly 6 months from the day we said hello and goodbye to our sweet baby girl. The date probably hasn't crossed my sweet hubby’s mind... and that’s okay. When it comes to Evie, I have a very inward thought and grief process. I just deal with it on my own because honestly, that is what is most comfortable to me. Goose is there for me when I need to talk
(or simply need a shoulder to sob on)... I don’t expect him to go through the exact same emotions. Of course, he misses Evie and grieves her, but he only got to meet her for a day… I had almost 9 months with her, and as most moms know, the baby bond starts long before the actual birth.

I am sure you all have noticed by my horrible blogging habits… I have become increasingly impatient with sitting still and hanging out online. Most days I load the boys up and head out: to the grocery store, the park, family/friends house... it gets my mind off of things.

Being left alone with my thoughts was getting me nowhere. I have found with emotional pain, there is no “working it out.” Grief isn’t like a test where you do the homework, read the books, study real hard and at the end you wrap it up and make a good grade. You don’t go through the 5 stages and then move on with your life content and fulfilled. You are "moving on" from day one because, unfortunately, the world doesn’t stop revolving so that you can go cry into your pillow for six months.

The grief simply rides along as you go through the motions, eventually settling in, and you get used to life with this permanent ache. Some days it feels like a pounding migraine... and some days it's a little paper cut... but it's always there.

I look through Evie's “box” when I can… all her things from my shower and the hospital, blankets, pictures, notes and cards… I watched the DVD from the 3d ultrasound place we went to. Sometimes after losing a baby, you will hold on desperately to anything that makes them feel real...

reminding you that it wasn’t just a dream...

Seeing her moving around, yawning, crossing her legs… her heart beating in the video was beautiful…

She was here. She was alive.

It is hard sometimes, but I don't let myself dwell on the “if-onlys” because no matter how much time I spend sitting around thinking about having a 6 month old baby girl in the house right now, enjoying all the “firsts", making bottles, burping, and buying little jars of baby food… it doesn’t change the reality of what has happened.

I fully realize I will never stop missing her in this life.

The emptiness in my arms will always be there to some extent... the fact that Evie was my only daughter does make the loss more obvious. After having 3 boys, I wanted a girl so badly... the contrast between boys and girls is so dramatic and I know that raising a daughter would have made things very different for us as parents and for our little boys as big brothers.





So lately, when I feel overwhelmed... I just try to thank God for her, even on the days when I don’t feel very thankful… because that is all I can do... focus on the good moments… the love I feel for her and my boys… the love God showed us through the people in our lives. I am extremely grateful to everyone who reached out to us. I saved all the cards, emails, messages that we received. I find a lot of comfort in hearing that someone was touched by Evie’s story. It makes me happy to know that her short life had meaning to others outside of our family.

BTW, I was a terrible mess with thank you cards after the memorial service -I can’t remember who I sent what to- so please, please know, for everyone who came to see us, or sent flowers, meals, cards, prayers and hugs. We are eternally grateful and we will never forget your kindness. =)

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I realize this is a lot to keep inside and not talk about… but that is why I write. It frees me from having my feelings bottled up and cuts out the awkwardness of trying to talk about this stuff with someone who hasn’t been through it themselves.

The honest truth is, this blog started out as a way to let family and friends know what is going on with the pregnancy and our boys. After everything happened with Evie, it became an outlet
(and often a distraction) for me to get through the days.

Lately, I have been wondering if I have the energy to keep up with it
(seriously, I am not a technology lover… facebook, blogging, and twitter… sometimes it is too much for me).

Just writing though… that part is easy.

That is what I love.

Just telling my truths, spilling the thoughts that invade my mind day to day, wading through the experiences, dissecting who I am... and revealing my journey with God and where He has brought me over the past year... it is the best type of therapy.

I would like my blog to get back to that…

Raw. Simple. Honest.


(and of course I will have to add in some silly little boys’ stories, I know you have missed them!)


So that's where this blog is headed...


Hopefully y'all won't mind =)