Sunday, April 18, 2010

Spiritual Sunday Night- How We Are...

Most of you know, I like to keep my blog lighthearted. I try to focus on the good, the funny, and the uplifting aspects of my life. I am not a very serious person, so sometimes it is hard for me to share when I write about "serious" subjects...

Today, we went to Evie's grave site to plant some flowers... It was such a beautiful and quiet afternoon... I know that some friends and family have wondered how we are doing, and sometimes it is hard to see because Goose and I aren't very emotional or "open" about things that might be painful to us...

Grief is such a personal and varied thing. Everyone handles it differently, but one thing I know from going through losing loved-ones, is that it is never “over.” I still miss my Granny and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish Evie was here with me.

Life goes on, the bad days get farther in between, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t moments where it hits me like a truck…

Those moments are… suffocating.

I hurt and sob and feel helpless all over again... my heart aches and I just long to hold her again.

But then, there are the moments when Nolan waves his arms and yells, “Mom. Mom. look at my awesome new jump!” Or Reese comes barreling over and wiggles into my lap and says, “love you mama, kiss” or I look in the rear-view mirror and Ty is playing the air drums, singing at the top of his lungs while Goose and I are cracking up and I know…

I am blessed.

The hard moments will come and I let them. Goose and I talk about Evie a lot with each other. We don’t shy away from the subject...
(I have finally learned after 5 years of marriage that keeping stuff in makes me a nutcase).

Seeing all the new girl babies being born and celebrating all my niece’s
(I have 6) birthdays does make me think of Evie. I mean obviously, I am human, of course I will think of what it would be like to have my daughter here… a little pink in the sea of blue… but it doesn’t make me bitter. It actually makes me look at all these little girls and be thankful. I don’t want to miss an opportunity to celebrate their lives because every day we have is precious and should be cherished.

The older I get, the more I realize life is hard… there is always going to be “something.”

But how you choose to handle it is up to you. Will you let it overtake you? Or will you trust that God has everything under control?

One of the biggest things that has helped me not to dwell on the pain is simply the fact that this life is temporary and fleeting. That I will be spending eternity with God.

I ask myself often… how do I want to spend my time here? Mean, depressed, angry? Or do I want to be happy, laughing and joyful?

I choose to laugh, even if it hard sometimes... I choose to enjoy the life God has given me and take full advantage of all the opportunities He has given me to do good while I am here… and that means looking outside my personal circumstances.

Hopefully, I will be able to raise a daughter one day, but even if I don’t, I know that God wants the best for me. I take comfort in the knowledge that even if it doesn’t now, one day
everything will make sense.

So how are we??

happy... loved... missing her yet continually trusting in Him.

I read this devotion today from Luann Prater and I loved it,

“...The road to get here was not easy; in fact, those lines in my face were earned. Every gray hair represents a tough time of losing a loved one, stressing over finances or crying over a wayward child. The main lesson I've learned along the way is everything in life is temporary. Deuteronomy 31:6 says,
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (NIV). Whether I'm on the mountaintop or in the valley, neither will last but He will always walk with me.

I choose to laugh and let the lines dig in a little deeper because this is the only day I am guaranteed. We are but dust, here today and gone tomorrow. Besides, my grandson just gripped my face in his sweet little hands and said, "Grandma, you're beautiful." His view is better than the mirror...”

Thank you all for your caring thoughts and prayers over these past months~ =)