Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Some Days are Harder than Others

I have been thinking a lot about how personal and different grief is for everyone. I mean even reading the thoughts and emotions of other mothers; there are a lot of similarities and differences. Just like anything else, people respond differently to the loss of a loved one, especially a child.

I am not an extremely emotional woman. Not many people have seen me cry. Even when we first found out about Evie, I wasn’t bawling every day even though it was definitely more than usual.

And now, even though I am thinking about my daughter most of the day, I am not constantly emotional about it. I write a lot about her and that helps. I don’t post most of what I write because it is usually just random, scattered thoughts
(although I guess that’s all a blog is anyway)

It is strange because when you think of how you might react to losing a baby, your actual grief process is not anything like you imagine it will be
(or at least mine isn’t). I don't think there is any right or wrong way.

Most days I am okay. I pray and picture Evie with Jesus and He gives me a sweet peace… I am happy. I have so much to be thankful for- my family, my kids, and I feel blessed that I was able to have Evie with me for 36 weeks…

I might hug the boys a little too tight, but I can laugh and joke around and can still be myself
most of the time.

But scattered in between are days that just pull at my heart and I walk around with this big lump in my throat, right on the brink of a meltdown.

I felt like that all day...

I was just filling out some paperwork; applications for the boys for Pre-K, patient forms for their first dentist appointment and an eye appt. for Ty. Then, I was working with Nolan, trying to teach him how to write his name.

I told him, “You need to learn how to write your name because when you start school you will be writing it a buzzillion times a day.”

Then, I looked at a picture of Evie’s name and just thought about how much I love it. I love writing it; Evelyn Naomi, Evie - it’s just so flowy and feminine.

And there it was.

I realized why I was feeling so low. All these forms and teaching my boys how to write their names…

I will never do that with my daughter.

I won’t be filling out forms for the pediatrician or Pre-k.

I won’t be teaching her how to write her name.

I won’t be signing her up for dance or piano lessons.

I won’t see her name scribbled all over notebooks when she a teenager… Evie loves So and So…

All those little things that you don’t really give much thought…

Some days they get to me... Today was one of those days.