Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Heavy

Wasn’t that a slang word from the 60s or 70s?


“Wow, dude, that’s heavy.”


I feel like my life has become heavy lately. My heart, from missing Evie, but my mind is getting weighed-down too.



I am just the worst type of unorganized. And I am not the “all I need are some file folders and a date-book” type of unorganized. I am the type where I could (and do) spend hours and hours organizing and making to-do lists and then the next day have no idea what I am doing.


I am
internally messy… my brain is scattered so that I can never just focus and stick with it. I have goals and opportunities but they are tossed and tangled around my life in a whirlwind that I can never catch up to. I pressure myself to do so much that I often end up accomplishing nothing. Wasting time… then feeling guilty about it.


For those of you who know my mother, you know exactly where I get this “disorganization” from =) But the difference is, it works for her. It does NOT work for me because it drives me crazy! I constantly think of all these BIG ideas that could become reality if I could just get it together.



I need to stop and breathe. Why is that so hard? I can’t relax without feeling guilty about it…


I know a lot of the guilt stems from losing Evie. After we found out about her chromosome disorder, for 16 weeks I thought of nothing else. I stressed and worried and cried and prayed constantly because we just had no idea what was going to happen. We had all these doctor appointments and scheduled surgeries. We toured the NICU and it was all about Evie. Now it’s like, just done. We had a beautiful memorial service, packed up her stuff, and now it’s just over?


Am I really just supposed to go on and live life like normal?


Obviously I have to, I have a husband and 3 amazing little boys that I need to be there for, but I miss her so much and I feel guilty just going on without her. Every time I laugh or talk about future plans there is this twinge of guilt attached to it...


Apparently my subconscious thinks that if I have a busting schedule, it will somehow negate the fact that there is something missing... so I put all this pressure on myself to change: to do more, be a better mom/wife/friend, be more loving, give more, learn more, more more more


and now that pressure has intensified…




And it makes me feel heavy




I know I need to slow down… I need to just “calm it” as David tells me.




So I ask for prayer as I wade through all these thoughts and emotions. As I try to relax and enjoy the life God has given me while finding patience and direction to move towards the other goals He wants me to accomplish.






P.S. Writing has always been a source of therapy for me so I will probably be posting more now that I have a semester off of school. It makes me feel better, and hopefully one day will help someone else going through a valley.

Moreover, writing about Evie makes me feel connected to her in a way that keeps me sane.





So thank you to everyone who prays for and keeps up with our family here, even if it sometimes gets…





heavy
. =)






Psalm 34:17-19 (NASB)


17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.