Friday, December 18, 2009

Thank God for God

When I lost my granny almost 2 years ago, I suddenly knew what mourning was. She was such a huge part of my life and who I was... It was so heart-breaking and over-whelming; even though I knew she was heaven with the love of her life…. Grief was something I never understood before. But after that, I was suddenly able to really empathize with those who had lost someone.

Now I feel like I have joined this new club that I never wanted to be a part of. Suddenly, I get it.

I know what it feels like to come home from the hospital with empty arms. To look at pink dresses, pacifiers, and hair bows which are no longer needed. To constantly feel like there is someone missing.

To think about your child in past tense...

I went shopping yesterday by myself and I wasn’t really letting myself think about Evie as I walked by the aisles of baby things. Then, I saw this tiny pink rock star shirt that I know I would have bought for her. It made me feel weak and light-headed...

I don’t want to know how this feels. I don’t want to be part of this club. I want Evie. I want to hold her and kiss her and watch her sleep. I want to know if she had blue eyes or brown. I want to know her personality. I want to see that first smile and hear that first giggle. I want her to become daddy’s little girl and dance around the living room in her PJs. I want all the moments and memories that I will never experience with her...

Sometimes I don’t even feel like I have let her go. Sometimes my hand instinctively touches my stomach and it is like a punch in the face every time I realize that she is not there; that I am not pregnant anymore.

I know it is often a normal reaction to blame God... I have not really had those feelings. I don't know if I will later or not. I have always been very aware that life isn’t “fair.” I learned this at a (probably much too) young age. I believe the whole point of life is to grow in our faith and through our experiences and to learn compassion for others in Christ. God never promised us that life would be perfect or even easy.

But don’t get me wrong, I question a lot. I search for answers. I pray for understanding and strength. My days are just a roller coaster of crazy thoughts and emotions and I have to pray for God to pull me out of the darkness that is constantly threatening to overtake me. That is how I get by right now; how I get out of bed in the morning and function through my day.

I really don’t know how anyone could handle this without faith. Seriously…

Thank God for God.

Proverbs 3: 5-8

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones.