Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Due Date

December 30th... I was woken up this morning by a reminder I put in my phone 9 months ago. It said 40 weeks!! I can't believe all that has happened in the last 40 weeks of my life.

I went to a check-up appointment on Monday. I'm driving up to the hospital(where my ob/gyn office is) and I'm just thinking how different everything could have been. Monday was when my scheduled c-section was. At 8 am, I was supposed to be at the hospital getting ready to welcome my baby girl to the world...

If everything had been different, I would probably be coming home with her today...

I went to Ellijay on Monday after my appointment so I wouldn't be sitting at home all day thinking about the what-ifs. It is always a chaotic trip with the boys and my sis-n-law and her kids, but I accomplished what I wanted to. It definitely kept my mind off things.

But here I am again at home, thinking thinking thinking about what might have been.

I hate it because I know that there was no "plan B." Evie was meant to be here for exactly the amount of time she was here. There is nothing we could have done to change this situation.

So now I am trying to focus on the positive changes that this year and Evie have brought.

My little boys turned 4 and 1 this year. The twins are best friends and they make each other (and the rest of us) laugh everyday. They are so into their imaginations that I hardly ever know what is going on in their heads. Reese is my little ray of sunshine... he is mischievous and bratty sometimes, but a sweetheart none-the-less. He is almost 2 so everything he says is just the cutest thing in the world. I know I will miss that stage...

My husband and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary in July. 5 years of some of the biggest changes, gains and losses, highs and lows... but we have made it. We love and respect each other... we still make each other laugh. This year has brought us closer on a new level that I wish we didn't have to experience, but am still so thankful that we were there for each other through it all.

I have discovered a lot more about God, my husband and myself. I also learned a lot about other people after Evie passed. You expect some friends or family to shy away from these moments because they are difficult and there isn't really a right thing to say... but everyone was there for us. Everyone made us feel so loved and blessed.

After learning about Evie's chromosome disorder, my eyes were opened to people and situations that I didn't think of before, and it made me see others in a whole new light. It also made me think differently about what I want to do with my life... I changed my major from middle grades education to special education. I finished my associate's program at GPC... with a 3.93 GPA. I really can't believe I got through this semester, but I am done now (Yay!) until I start at UGA in the fall to finish my bachelors. I have also been in touch with some amazing ministry and outreach programs that I hope to work with in 2010.

I can't imagine what the next 5 years has in store, but I know I will be different, better than I was before 2009. Evie changed my heart, and I will always be thankful for that. Sometimes I might think of the what-ifs, but I will always praise God for my daughter and all that she did in the past 40 weeks.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Thank God for God

When I lost my granny almost 2 years ago, I suddenly knew what mourning was. She was such a huge part of my life and who I was... It was so heart-breaking and over-whelming; even though I knew she was heaven with the love of her life…. Grief was something I never understood before. But after that, I was suddenly able to really empathize with those who had lost someone.

Now I feel like I have joined this new club that I never wanted to be a part of. Suddenly, I get it.

I know what it feels like to come home from the hospital with empty arms. To look at pink dresses, pacifiers, and hair bows which are no longer needed. To constantly feel like there is someone missing.

To think about your child in past tense...

I went shopping yesterday by myself and I wasn’t really letting myself think about Evie as I walked by the aisles of baby things. Then, I saw this tiny pink rock star shirt that I know I would have bought for her. It made me feel weak and light-headed...

I don’t want to know how this feels. I don’t want to be part of this club. I want Evie. I want to hold her and kiss her and watch her sleep. I want to know if she had blue eyes or brown. I want to know her personality. I want to see that first smile and hear that first giggle. I want her to become daddy’s little girl and dance around the living room in her PJs. I want all the moments and memories that I will never experience with her...

Sometimes I don’t even feel like I have let her go. Sometimes my hand instinctively touches my stomach and it is like a punch in the face every time I realize that she is not there; that I am not pregnant anymore.

I know it is often a normal reaction to blame God... I have not really had those feelings. I don't know if I will later or not. I have always been very aware that life isn’t “fair.” I learned this at a (probably much too) young age. I believe the whole point of life is to grow in our faith and through our experiences and to learn compassion for others in Christ. God never promised us that life would be perfect or even easy.

But don’t get me wrong, I question a lot. I search for answers. I pray for understanding and strength. My days are just a roller coaster of crazy thoughts and emotions and I have to pray for God to pull me out of the darkness that is constantly threatening to overtake me. That is how I get by right now; how I get out of bed in the morning and function through my day.

I really don’t know how anyone could handle this without faith. Seriously…

Thank God for God.

Proverbs 3: 5-8

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Evie

Yesterday, David and I took the boys to the cemetery and let them decorate with flowers. They don't really understand too much, but they know Evie is in heaven with Jesus and Great-Granny. Hopefully they will be able to remember being a part of everything.

~My Aunt Stephanie read this for me at Evie's burial~

My dear little Evie,

The past few days have been quite a whirlwind.

I finally got to meet you. You weighed 4 pounds, 12 ounces and you were 17 inches long. I got to kiss your little face and hold your little hands. Your big brothers thought that you would have brown hair and they were right. You looked a lot like Ty, but you were the beautiful little girl that I dreamed you would be.

I want you to know how you turned our world upside down. 16 weeks ago, we learned that you were special. We learned that we might not have long with you here on Earth. We were scared and unsure about your future, but God held us so close and gave us peace. He helped us to enjoy every day we had with you. You were so active and strong. I cherished every kick and roll, and every chance I got to see you moving around.

The hospital nurses were just amazed with how many people came to see you and your mommy and daddy in the hospital. They said they could feel all the love around us, and they knew we would be okay.

People think we are so strong, but the only reason we can smile and laugh and get through the day is because God is carrying us through, and He has given us hope for the future.

I don’t have to worry about you sweet baby. You never have to experience pain or sorrow. You get to spend all your days with Jesus, and He is holding you close. I know it won’t be easy to go on without you here. I wish I could watch you grow up and play with your big brothers and become spoiled by your grandparents. I wish I could see you as a moody teenager and watch your daddy walk you down the aisle.

But I know God had a greater purpose for you. Your life has changed us and all those around us. You brought us closer to one another. We prayed together, cried together, and all of our faith grew because of you. We learned how to be more patient, caring, and humble. We learned how to trust God in everything and to love each other unconditionally. I will thank God every day for choosing us to be your parents. We now have an even greater reason to look forward to heaven.

There are no words to express how much we love you and miss you. You were a blessing and a miracle, baby Evie, and we will never be the same.

Love you always,


Friday, December 4, 2009

~We love You Baby Evie~

I don’t even know how to write this because it still seems so unreal.
This past Thursday we said good-bye to our baby girl, Evelyn Naomi.

She was born into the arms of Jesus December 3rd at 6:47 pm.

I carried sweet Evie for 36 precious weeks.
She weighed 4 lbs 12 oz and was 17 inches long.
She had a full head of brown hair and looked a lot like her big brother Ty.

We were able to have a beautiful memorial service for her yesterday
and lay her to rest beside my
Granny who passed almost 2 years ago.

Baby Evie is healed now and is in a perfect place.
David and I have the most incredible families and friends that anyone could hope for.

Thank you for all your prayers and everything you have done.
We will never forget all your faith and love.

~This is the slide show that my Aunt Gina created for Evie's memorial~
The song we used in the slide show is "I Will Carry You" (Audrey's Song) by the group Selah

Please continue to pray for us as we rely on God to get us through.

Psalm 143

4 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; My heart is appalled within me.

5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.

6 I stretch out my hands to You; My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
Do not hide Your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
For I trust in You;
Teach me the way in which I should walk;
For to You I lift up my soul.

9 Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
I take refuge in You.

10 Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

11 For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.