I went to a check-up appointment on Monday. I'm driving up to the hospital(where my ob/gyn office is) and I'm just thinking how different everything could have been. Monday was when my scheduled c-section was. At 8 am, I was supposed to be at the hospital getting ready to welcome my baby girl to the world...
If everything had been different, I would probably be coming home with her today...
I went to Ellijay on Monday after my appointment so I wouldn't be sitting at home all day thinking about the what-ifs. It is always a chaotic trip with the boys and my sis-n-law and her kids, but I accomplished what I wanted to. It definitely kept my mind off things.
But here I am again at home, thinking thinking thinking about what might have been.
I hate it because I know that there was no "plan B." Evie was meant to be here for exactly the amount of time she was here. There is nothing we could have done to change this situation.
So now I am trying to focus on the positive changes that this year and Evie have brought.
My little boys turned 4 and 1 this year. The twins are best friends and they make each other (and the rest of us) laugh everyday. They are so into their imaginations that I hardly ever know what is going on in their heads. Reese is my little ray of sunshine... he is mischievous and bratty sometimes, but a sweetheart none-the-less. He is almost 2 so everything he says is just the cutest thing in the world. I know I will miss that stage...
My husband and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary in July. 5 years of some of the biggest changes, gains and losses, highs and lows... but we have made it. We love and respect each other... we still make each other laugh. This year has brought us closer on a new level that I wish we didn't have to experience, but am still so thankful that we were there for each other through it all.
I have discovered a lot more about God, my husband and myself. I also learned a lot about other people after Evie passed. You expect some friends or family to shy away from these moments because they are difficult and there isn't really a right thing to say... but everyone was there for us. Everyone made us feel so loved and blessed.
After learning about Evie's chromosome disorder, my eyes were opened to people and situations that I didn't think of before, and it made me see others in a whole new light. It also made me think differently about what I want to do with my life... I changed my major from middle grades education to special education. I finished my associate's program at GPC... with a 3.93 GPA. I really can't believe I got through this semester, but I am done now (Yay!) until I start at UGA in the fall to finish my bachelors. I have also been in touch with some amazing ministry and outreach programs that I hope to work with in 2010.
I can't imagine what the next 5 years has in store, but I know I will be different, better than I was before 2009. Evie changed my heart, and I will always be thankful for that. Sometimes I might think of the what-ifs, but I will always praise God for my daughter and all that she did in the past 40 weeks.